


Try Everything Once

by Squeakyshroom



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Spoiler Alert - Freeform, episode 13 spoiler, past mentions of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 07:58:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10552830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squeakyshroom/pseuds/Squeakyshroom
Summary: Alex goes for a late night swim, and Justin decides to warm him up.





	

 

_Splash!_

Alex stepped out of the pool and shook out his white hair. He had a wildness in his eyes that reminded Justin of Jessica. This was the boy who had pressed on the gas and shown no signs of stopping. This was the boy who would start a fight with the moon if it looked at him the wrong way.

“Decided to go for a late night swim?”

“Fuck off, Foley. Don’t need you staring,” Alex spat as he peeled off his clothes. Justin flushed; sure, he had sometimes found his eyes wandering in the locker room but never over to someone as pathetic as Alex. And yet...Justin could imagine why Jessica had been all too willing to kiss those bruised lips. He was cute. For a scrawny twerp.

“You need to have a smoke,” Justin said firmly as he cradled the bong to his chest like it could protect him from the evils of the world. Alex was trembling, bare except for the black boxer shorts that clung to his narrow hips. His skin was pale under the moonlight, and Justin couldn’t help how his eyes drank in the sight.

“I need you to fuck off that’s what I need,” Alex snapped, but it wasn’t convincing. His dark eyes said _come closer._ Justin called for Bryce to toss him a towel, and he caught it with the skill of a varsity basketball star.

Alex accepted the towel with a sniffle and slumped by the edge of the pool. Justin stood above him, awkwardly hovering as he tried to figure out if he cared enough to sit down. Somewhere in the distance Zach and Bryce were calling for him to join them on the PlayStation. Instead, Justin kicked off his shoes and socks and sat. His shoulder bumped against Alex’s. They stared down at the reflection of the moon, rippling through the calm water that Alex had emerged from.

“Don’t you have a _best_ friend to go play wrestle with?” Alex finally drawled, and he said it to hurt. Justin flinched and shrugged as he deeply inhaled and then exhaled. The smoke disappeared from his lips, there one moment and then gone the next. Like Hannah Baker. You knew you were high when you started to compare dead girls to smoke.

“Bryce isn’t my best friend. No, no he’s more...more like my brother.”

“Oh, so Cain and Abel?”

“Yeah,” Justin agreed because he didn’t get the reference.

“The Bible, genius. You know those sacred pages you roll your weed in? Here's the sparknotes versions: Cain betrays Abel. Backstabs his brother,” Alex explained, and there was an accusation in his voice. He hugged the towel closer to himself and looked at Justin through his lashes. They had no business being that long or pretty. Maybe it was just a trick of the moonlight or the smoke, but Justin wanted to...he wanted…

He just shrugged again because if he thought about it too much, the night would come back to him. If he let himself think about it, the memory would consume him. Even as he told himself not to think about, the darkness seeped in through his trembling fingertips and into his eyes. He wiped his cheeks and shook his head.

Alex continued: “I loved her too you fucking bastard.”

“Who?” Justin feigned innocence.

“Who do you think? Jessica. I- she was the first girl I ever loved. Maybe the last. She was so beautiful and full of life, bursting full of life. She could always beat me to the punch line. She...ho-how could you let him...how…?”

“I don’t know,” Justin snapped and rubbed his eyes. “I really don’t. It’s just...fucked up, okay? I don’t- I don’t want to talk about it. Not here.”

_Not ever._

“She still thinks it’s a lie?”

“I want to protect Jessica,” Justin muttered as he fingers clenched. “It’ll hurt her too much if she knows the truth about Bryce and...I need to protect her from that pain. What’s _wrong_ with letting her believe it was a lie? She’s happier that way.”

 _Right_?

Alex laughed, and it was a cruel, cutting sound: “Who you trying to convince me...or yourself? Protect her. Ha. You did a _great_ fucking job.”

“Fuck you!” Justin jumped up to his feet. “I’m trying to conversate-”

“It’s converse.”

“Fuck. You. That’s what it is. I’m trying to make conversation and you keep dragging me back- you’re just like fucking Clay. Who does he think he’s helping, huh? Driving all around town on his goddamned bike like- like he’s a fucking hero? Hannah is dead. No one can hurt her. B-but Jessica,” his voice cracked as he said her name, and he lowered his voice so none of the other guys would hear. “Jessica’s alive. Alright? She’s alive and breathing, and if she hears this, it’ll kill her. It’ll kill her, and I...I can’t lose her because-”

_Because she’s the only reason I have to live._

Justin stopped himself, but the words were there, dying on his lips. He was choking on the silence and every minute that he kept it in, the louder the words became.

Alex watched him, water dripping down his blank face and just shook his head. He shook his head, and Justin wanted to punch him. Or maybe kiss him. He just wanted to make him react to what he’d said. But Alex gave him nothing but a disappointed stare. It hurt Justin because for a moment that stare could be his mother or one of her shitty boyfriends, and their eyes were always easy to read- _you’re a piece of shit. You don’t deserve love. You don’t deserve happiness._

He turned to go, back into the house to maybe tussle Bryce and pretend that he didn’t want to punch him for real, but Alex grabbed his hand.

“Wait, don’t...Justin, I don’t...just,” He flushed and ruffled his white hair. “Just stay with me. Ok? I’m sorry for upsetting you, but I’ve just been feeling so alone with all of this. You guys have each other...and I…”

He drifted off, let go of Justin’s wrist, and buried his face into his hands. Justin had never seen Alex break down, and the sight made his heart clench. For a moment, it was like the tapes were gone, and they were nothing but two lonely boys, trying to reach out for help.

Justin sat back down, and, cautiously, he slung his hand around Alex’s shoulder. He glanced back at the house and then he leaned in to press his forehead into Alex’s neck.

“I’m high,” Justin mumbled, but he was _always_ fucking high. It was just an excuse for him to shift his weight around Alex and press the bong into Alex’s hand. The boy snorted and looked up at him through red stained eyes.

“My dad would kill me if I smoked. Military, you know?”

“All that ‘yes, sir’ and ‘no sir’ kinda bullshit,” Justin teased, gently. “How about you let go for the night? Stop jumping into fucking swimming pools with your clothes on?”

The words from before still hung between them. Despite how close their bodies were pressed, Jessica’s accusing eyes stopped Justin from doing anything stupid. He wouldn’t betray her by like that. No matter how much he wanted to lean in and...and…

“You’re staring. Very rude,” Alex said, and his eyes flickered from Justin’s eyes down to his lips.

“Thinking about how nice those lips of yours would look wrapped around my pipe,” Justin muttered, voice rumbling right up against Alex’s ear. "Unless that's against your daddy's rules?"

“Mh...but I have a rule.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“Try everything once.”

Alex leaned down, looking up at him through his dark lashes as he inhaled and hollowed his cheeks around the neck. Justin’s stomach tightened. Then Alex leaned up and blew the smoke into Justin’s face. He coughed, laughed, and then-

Justin leaned in and kissed him.

No, that’s what he _wished_ that he could have done, but there was no time for experimentation when there was blood on your hands and secrets on your mind. There were some lips better left unkissed. Justin did not lean in and kiss Alex Standall that night.

He walked away.

But as he turned, Justin couldn’t help the regret that curled in the back of his throat. Then he slumped back onto the couch, in between Zach and Bryce, and forced himself to stop thinking.

A week later, when Justin heard the news that Alex was in the hospital he wished that he had kissed him. _How did I become Clay_ , Justin thought as he wiped the tears from his eyes, _pining over someone who’s gone?_

**Author's Note:**

> Should I write more of these two? Or a different pairing? Tell me who you want to see more fiction on.


End file.
